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The Things That Need to Go in 2014,Part Three


We are up to Part Three of our annual list now, Nos. 60-41. Part One and Part Two are in the books with the second part giving us entries such as Keep Calm posters and bringing your little dog into a store. Here we go with the third part of our series!

selfie60. The term “selfie”
First year selection

This is a term I have hated since its introduction because of society’s continuing to shorten phrases like self-portrait and the overall laziness of society. It also sounds like an alternate term for masturbation. It really does,say it out loud and you be the judge.

Also,someone else with you in a self-portait is no longer that. Just to point that out to those of you who take “selfies” with more than one person.

east-coast-bias59. East Coast bias
Second year selection,2013: 24

Though it has slipped this year, the continuous problem of East Coast bias still plagues sports. I get it, there is a three hour time difference, but there are good teams that aren’t playing in New York, Chicago,Boston,Philadelphia or Miami.
I wish this would change more,but if players keep going to these cities, it probably won’t.

PJsatWork58. CATCH-ALL: People who wear pajamas to school or work or in public before 10pm on a weeknight and People who wear slippers to the bar
Third year selection,2013: 64,2011: 12

This has made the list twice before and this year it moves up six spots to No. 58. If you are going to school or work in pajamas, you should be ashamed. I don’t know if you know this,but it isn’t very hard to get dressed in the morning or before you leave your house. It isn’t, I do it every day.slippers

There is,in my mind, only one acceptable time you can be in them and going out and that is at 10pm on a weeknight because you needed something at the store, other than that, make sure you’re dressed.

Oh,and stop wearing slippers to a bar or anywhere else in public. Putting on shoes is not that difficult,folks. Leave the house shoes in the house,especially if you’re at a formal event. Keep it classy,kids!

If wearing slippers in public continues, it may continue up the list in ’15.

DuckFaces57. Duck faces
First year selection

Ladies, I have to ask you a question…whatever happened to smiling?
For the last couple of years I have seen a lot of ladies who,in lieu of smiling in a photograph, will make this duck face that is,to me, borderline unattractive. Please do me a favor, stop this. Let’s go back to smiling,there is something about a girl who has a great smile, nobody has ever said this about a girl making a duck face.

KristenStewart56. Kristen Stewart and how awful she dresses

Second year selection,2013: 71

Out of all the famous Hollywood celebrities out there,I think Kristen Stewart is one of the worst. Aside from her overall creepiness, her sense of style is not very good. Wearing a pair of Vans with an evening gown is not acceptable when you make $22 million a film. Clearly with that kind of money you can afford better and pricier shoes,not to mention a personal stylist who can help you dress your best. Stewart is a prime example of why comfort does not always outweigh style (or should).


55. CATCH-ALL: Jackson Rancheria CEO Rich Hoffman’s mustache and Michael Crawford from Sacramento Kia
First year selection

Those of you who aren’t Northern California residents will have no fucking clue what I am talking about. Those of you who own TV’s or radios here probably will. Jackson Rancheria Casino’s CEO Rich Hoffman has been making commercials for a few years now and when he first appeared he has no facial hair. For the last couple of years he has sported this ugly-ass mustache that makes him look like a giant walrus. Hasn’t someone told him how god awful it looks? I have actually waited all year to comment on this on my own website that is how bad it is.

Michael Crawford is the owner of Sacramento Kia who makes these radio commercials that are fucking annoying. Crawford shouts in these commercials about Kias over the tune of Tupac’s California Love and the end of his commercials he shouts about how he wants to Seeeeeeeeeee ya in a Sacramento Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia! It is such an abortion of a commercial, so bad that anytime I hear it come on the radio,I immediately change the station. Up yours,Michael Crawford, I will not buy a car from you. You make me miss Cal Worthington so much! Have a look!

Facebook54. Any Facebook post designed to depress the hell out of you
First year selection

So many people do this and I get kinda sick of it. You know those folks who post something that tries to make you feel guilty or bad about something,whatever it is,you name it. It is almost as bad as the folks who post political stuff to try and cram down my throat (we will discuss this later on in the week,well kind of).
How about posting something happy instead of something depressing? We have too much depression in the world already,yo!

42053. 4/20

Third year selection,2012: 40,2011: 81
I have said the last couple of years that this has made the list, 4/20 is not only stupid,but it’s also not an actual holiday. Holidays, in my view, are days set aside where we do something once a year. You stoners smoke weed every day. This is no holiday nor is it a celebration.

The origins for this are pathetic and irrelevant. I think if this is all you have to look forward to in life,it is time to get one.

Digital image52. People who remove their glasses and set them face down
Third year selection,2012: 37,2011: 39

Some things still make me cringe with worry.

Whenever someone sets their glasses face down somewhere,I cringe. When I first got glasses I was told never to do this because you could scratch the lenses. It boggles my mine that so many people never follow instructions. I know they make lenses that are harder to scratch but there is the worrywart in me that wants to place them face up and upside down where they are safe. Or better yet, keep them on your face, why do you need to remove them?

51. People doing the Macarena 17 years later
Fourth year selection,2013: 72, 2012: 16,2011:24

Since Gangnam Style has died a quick death (for the most part), some folks are going back a song that should have died a long time ago: the Macarena.

This,readers, is my least favorite song of all time. Everything about it sucks. The dance is awful and not attractive by the way. The lyrics are profound. The song is about a slutty chick who cheats on her boyfriend with two creeps while he is out of town. It makes me wonder why elderly white women are dancing to this when the lyrics are as such.

This song needs to be put away once and for all. Every DJ who has a gig at a wedding or bar mitzvah or congraulatory party needs to give this song a rest forever. Please?

graduation50. Graduating in the wrong shoes and/or barefoot

Second year selection,2012: 11

When I received my diploma from high school in 2000, we were told that we were to have the proper shoes on (dress shoes for the fellas,heels for the ladies) or we would not be receiving our diplomas. So why in the hell has this policy changed?

This is graduation day, kids. You need to be looking your best on this day. I have said this before,shoes matter. And no,Converse All Stars are not dress shoes, neither are flip flops. Save those for casual time once you are at home celebrating getting the hell out of high school.

Oh,and for those of you who forgo shoes, just stop. Nobody cares about how much of a free spirit you are. It’s also not cute. It’s also not hard to look your best on such a special day,so do it!

VinnyGriffin49. Vinny Griffin
First year selection

This was a late submission that has replaced another one which I just could not put on the list. I lacked the heart to do it. Much like the creators of Family Guy decided to rip the hearts of fans out by killing off the only character to appear in every episode of the show, Brian Griffin.

The Nov. 24th episode featured Brian getting violently run over by a car while setting up a street hockey net. He died from his injuries. He was later replaced by Vinny, a dog who sounds like he was in the mafia.

It isn’t that Vinny himself is a bad character, he just replaced a character that the fans of the show very much liked. Sure,he was, as one of my friends stated, a liberal douche, but he was the voice of reason on that show and paert of the glue that kept the Griffin family together. I have yet to watch a new episode of the show (though they only aired one as of press time of this piece) and plan not to until Brian does return. If he never does, then I will never watch again. How do you like them apples?

GZimmerman48. Anyone who thinks George Zimmerman’s acquittal is “justice for white people”

First year selection

This didn’t make the list as a Keeping it Real item because of how I feel about the outcome of the trial (In case you wondering how I felt, I don’t), it is because this is not “justice for white people”. Why? Because George Zimmerman is not white, he is Hispanic.

Everyone is entitled to how they feel about the way the verdict and I would not want to take that away from you. I do think Zimmerman is kind of a scumbag and has shown to be as such in the months following the verdict. But to characterize the trial as “justice for white people” is ridiculous. It should not be about race,it should be about the justice system doing its thing,and like it or not, it did.

Beachballs47. CATCH-ALL: Vuvuzelas and People playing with beach balls in the stands at sporting events

First year selection

Every sporting event that features these two items is one that I don’t really care for.

Vuvuzelas are annoying,folks. It is one reason why I have not delved into World Cup soccer (or any soccer for that matter). It is bad enough that people bring those to graduation ceremonies and blow them in your fucking ear. They’re so bad.vuvuzela

As for people playing with beach balls in the stands, how about not doing that? You paid good money to watch a sporting event, not play with a ball in the stands. Usually it is Dodgers fans that do this because L.A. sports fans never care about who is playing.

Nevertheless, these two things need to stop.
FakeInjury46. NFL players faking injuries

First year selection

There has been a big trend of players faking injuries because their teams wasted timeouts because the crowd was too loud and/or they made dumb challenges they lost.

All of sudden you have a big defensive lineman going down with an “injury”,forcing a timeout and then fast forward to two plays later and he is okay and playing at full speed.

I think when players go down with a fake injury, they should be flagged 20 yards. There is no place in the game for this and in a way it’s cheating. How is it cheating? You’re squeezing a timeout when you don’t actually have one. Such a puss move.

mediumcheddar45. Medium cheddar

Third year selection,2012: 90,2011: 51

I love cheddar. I love sharp cheddar. What I cannot seem to enjoy is medium cheddar. The problem with it is that the taste is unfilling. Sharp cheddar never does that to me,ever. All cheddar should be sharp. None of this in-between nonsense that doesn’t taste good. Somebody needs to put a stop to this,yo!

Amishmafia44. Shows about fake Amish people
First year selection

I have never been a reality show person to begin with,but these shows about the “Amish” are utterly ridiculous. There is no such thing as the Amish mafia. I find it kind of disgusting that the Amish are exploited as they have been with this show. I know,I know, the Amish don’t watch television, but it doesn’t make it any better.

What did the Amish ever do to you?

AdultOnesies43. Adult onesies

First year selection

I think some things should not be available for adults, pajamas for five-year-olds should be one of them. When I first saw these, I couldn’t believe that such an item existed. It also kind of reminded me of those people you see on talk shows who have this mindset that they are still babies and still wear diapers and sleep in adult-sized cribs. It kinda surprises me that these adults who do this aren’t wearing diapers and shitting themselves overnight (that we know of).

There is an age limit for a lot of things in life,and feety pajamas should definitely be one of them. Act your age, not you shoe size!

disneyland42. People who are addicted to Disneyland

Second year selection,2013:80

This made the list for the second year in a row. Why? Because nobody has yet to invite me when they go. Hook a man up, I’d love to go,too. I haven’t been since 1992 and I didn’t get the best experience the time I did go. I would love to give it another shot.

And to all of you who do go like 20 times a year: how are you affording all of this in such a bad economy? Nobody needs to go that many times. Once per year is enough. Just sayin…

HBB41. Honey Boo-Boo

First year selection

This was not an item on the list last year,but this year it is.
I am not a fan of this show because of how white trash this family is and also because of how spoiled this child is. There is nothing remarkable about this family other than the fact that someone not only reproduced with this girl’s mom,but also married her.

Proof that if she is marriage material,anyone is. So,there is hope for all of us who are single and desperate.


We will have Part Four tomorrow!

3 replies »

  1. The reason I go about 10 times a year us because its enjoyable. Every other time we go to Disneyland we take the kids. It can be affordable if you do it right! For instance. An annual pass is right at 675 dollars. That’s two weekends if you bought just park hopper passes. The pass gives you free parking in the garage. So that saves you 20/day. So for those two weekends, that’s 120 saved. Hotels can get pricey but I’m a deal hunter and can usually score one for 60/night. Which sure as hell beats the 700/night at the Disneyland hotel! You just gotta know how to do the trip right. Alternatively you can pay monthly for your annual pass at 50/month and still get all the benefits.

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December 2013
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