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The Things That Need to Go in 2016-Part Five


Part Five is here! To recap,in Part One gave us A.J Pierzynski and Nutscaping, Part Two brought us adult onesies and E!,Part Three gave us Greg Hardy and people who mismatch their socks,Part Four brought us Name-the-team contests and Sacramento TV stations who root for the Golden State Warriors. So 60 items down and we are now at our Top 20, here’s number 20!

Lakers20. ESPN showing shitty teams like the Lakers

First year selection

Yes,ESPN is on the list again,not for the anchors and their bad choices of footwear,but for their choices in what NBA teams appear on their schedule. Case in point,the Los Angeles Lakers.

Are we really being subjected to seeing the Lakers and the rebuilding that isn’t taking place solely because 83-year-old Kobe Bryant is on the roster? Why do we need to see a team with Kobe “Early Bird Special” Bryant, Nick Young, Roy Hibbert,and Metta World Peace (Seriously? Again?) on a team that’s not going to do very much this year?

Memo to ESPN: The Lakers SUCK! We’re done seeing them just because they play in a big market. It’s time you guys started showing more teams that are good or on the rise instead of shitty teams that used to be good. The same could go for the Knicks,but they’re getting much better even though Carmelo Anthony still plays for them.

Obamathumbsup19. CATCH-ALL: People who think Barack Obama is going to take their guns away and People who think they need AK-47s to protect themselves

First year selection

We’re going through without a doubt one of the most violent and intolerant times in our country during my lifetime. We have a mass shooting mearly every day and people are dying at the hands of other who wish to do massive harm to them.When the President says he wants to have tighter gun laws,everyone assumes that he wants to take their guns away. I don’t think that’s the case, I think if it was,he would say so. I think he,as much as I and many others in our country,are tired of hearing about another mass shooting happening somewhere and something needs to be done before we have yet another bunch of fatalities.

Also,why in the world does someone think they need an AK-47 to protect themselves? I understand if you’re in the military and you have that type of weapon,but no civilian should have that kind of weapon in their arsenal at any time. This to me seems like part of the problem and I could go on forever about,but I’ve already said enough.

Bae18. The word “bae”

Second year selection,2015: 12

This is one where you almost expect it to move down the list because it isn’t used as much as it was last year,but it still is a bad word.

You guys are aware that it’s the Danish word for “Shit”,right? So basically you’re using this word to tell people that your “bae” is a shitty person if I’m reading this correctly.

Also,you have to explain to older people like me that it’s an acronym for “Before Anyone Else”. While the sentiment is nice, the definition to some remains a mystery. Let’s keep it that way and eliminate the word altogether.

FakeCountryGirls17. CATCH-ALL: People who have “Southern Pride” despite never having lived there and City girls who call themselves country

Second year selection: 2015:11

I guess you could call it a Keepin’ it real selection,after all we did last year.

A question for all of you people who have lived on the West Coast your whole life: Where’d all this “Southern Pride” come from?

You’ve never lived in the South, you’re probably never going to, so why the love for the South? Just because you have a Confederate flag hanging in your garage and you watch Duck Dynasty and didn’t vote for Obama (probably because of his race) doesn’t make you an honorary Southerner. You know what does? Actually coming from there!

And nothing is worse than these city girls who come from cities like Los Angeles or San Francisco who call themselves country girls because they bought a pair of cowboy boots to wear at a Blake Shelton concert once and now they’re so country. That’s not how this works,that’s not how any of this works!

zimmerman16. George Zimmerman

First year selection

Yep,the guy who killed Trayvon Martin and got away with it is on this year’s list.

Zimmerman,in addition to being a horrible human being,keeps getting into trouble with the law. In January he was charged with aggravated assault with a weapon after allegedly throwing a wine bottle at his ex-girlfriend. Before that he was involved in a road rage incident with a man who would later try to shoot him.

All in all,this guy is just bad news, a dipshit,and not somebody who’s trying to clean up his image in anyway following the verdict he should be thankful every day that he got because we all know he should be rotting in jail somewhere.

15. Depressing Super Bowl commercials

First year selection

Super Bowl Sunday is typically a day where people come together and have a party while watching an NFL championship game and if your team is lucky enough to be playing in the game and happens to win it,it makes rhe joy last a lot longer.
Unfortunately the same can’t be said for some of the commercials broadcast,especially ones for Nationwide during Super Bowl XLIX where they have the kid that died from an accident that could’ve been “prevented” had the family had Nationwide insurance.

Excuse me,but I think that commercials during this game aren’t allowed to be depressing. They’re supposed to be entertaining.

It’s bad enough that they release the ads days before the game even begins,now we have to be depressed while watching the Super Bowl. Nationwide and others who feel the need to depress us on Super Bowl Sunday need to rethink that strategy and cheer us up for 30 seconds. Spend that ad money wisely,kids!

ShoesNotOnAllTheWay14. People who don’t put their shoes on all the way

Third year selection,2015:5,2014:2

I think one thing that might be worse than people wearing slippers out in public before 10:30pm is people who did put shoes on,but not all the way. I don’t know why people still do this,maybe they’re lazy,maybe they just don’t care that much about keeping their shoes nice,maybe they’ve stopped trying. Maybe it’s all that.

The practice of doing this does weaken your shoes pretty badly. I think folks need to take care of their shoes and make sure they’re well taken care of. Capisce?

DaylightSavingTime13. Daylight Saving Time

First year selection

I’ve honestly been an opponent of Daylight Saving Time for a while now and I don’t think I’m alone. About nearly half of all Americans agree that there’s no real value to Daylight Saving Time. I honestly hate having to set clocks back and forth twice a year. Arizona and Hawaii don’t do it and they seem to do just fine, I feel like we’d be better off as well.

Besides,I like when it gets dark early and we have a real nighttime at 5pm. I hate when I have to travel in a Western direction at 7pm and there’s a sunset in my view blinding me. Who has time to deal with that? I don’t and I don’t think I should have to in that time of the year in that time of the night.

netflixandchill12. The phrase “Netflix and chill”

First year selection

A lot of you are probably freaking out as to why I put this on the list as if I have kidnapped your dog or thrown a sandwich you made on the floor. But hear me out!

The reason “Netflix and Chill” is on the list is because of how meaningless the phrase is. All anyone is doing when it comes to this is hooking up and sleeping together for a night. What relationship has ever started out with a text reading “Netflix and chill?” (Spoiler alert: If it has,it isn’t lasting long!). Honestly,it says to me that we’re a society that needs to work on our dating techniques and social skills. Maybe it’s me being frustrated that I can’t find anybody and that there’s no such thing (for me,at least) that there’s somebody for everyone. I just think the phrase is dumb and leads to a boatload of disappointment in the end.

AllStarVoting11. Fan voting for starters in all-star games

First year selection

Don’t get me wrong,I’m all for fan voting in All-Star games,I am. After all these games are made specifically for them. But voting for the starters needs to end and you can thank the Kansas City Royals fans for nearly ruining it for everybody.

In the weeks leading up to this year’s All-Star Game in Cincinnati, nearly the entire Royals starting line-up were leading vote getters to start for the American League and it was beginning to anger fans because who the fuck wants to watch that game? It bothers me when fans get to vote as much as they want and create fake e-mail accounts to vote for their favorite players and really ruins it for every one of us who respects the system and votes the right way.

As far as determining who starts,that should be up to that team’s coach or manager. After all,that’s their job to try and win the game,right?

Part Six of our list,the top 10,comes your way tomorrow!


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December 2015
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