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The Things That Need to Go in 2013,Part Three


Welcome back to the action! Are you having fun? I knew you would!

Part One and Part Two are in the books. Let’s move on to Part Three of our list of the Things That Need to Go in 2013, beginning with our 60th item on the list…

America's least favorite All-Star game needs to die a quick death!

America’s least favorite All-Star game needs to die a quick death!

60. The Pro Bowl

Here’s a football game that not even hardcore football fans want to watch. The Pro Bowl is by far the worst of All-Star games in the four major sports. Nobody gives any effort, the players are very disinterested because they treat it like a vacation to Hawaii with a football game in between. Fans tune in hoping that the game will be any better.

It isn’t getting any better, fans know it,players know it,even the commissioner knows it and it seems like there isn’t anything that can be done to improve it. I think it’s time the Pro Bowl made it’s exit. Players can still be named but the game shouldn’t exist. It’ll be like the all-defensive teams.

Bachelor59. All dating shows whether they involve a celebrity or not

These shows like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and so on are so awful. If this qualifies as reality television,it’s a lie. Love Connection had more credibility than these shows. They’re all scripted, and when the contestant picks their “mate”, they don’t get married or even stay together. It only happened once on The Bachelorette.

And the dating shows with a washed-up celebrities are bad,too. We can use all this airtime to broadcast something better,like maybe Love Connection, can we bring that back? And can I host it?

Nice hair!

Nice hair!

58. CATCH-ALL: Donald Trump and Ann Coulter

Why the hell is she at the TV Land Awards?

Why the hell is she at the TV Land Awards?

These are two people who are nothing but awful. Donald Trump has nothing of importance to say anymore,all he ever does is bash the President and question everything about him,including his place of birth (I still can’t believe these people live among us). Not only that but The Apprentice sucks. That show is so 2004.

As for Ann Coulter, she reminds me of a person who never got enough attention as a child and says shit to get a rise out of people. It works, but it shouldn’t and the things she says are just unnecessary. By the way,Ann, nice adam’s apple.

lifted_truck57. Lifted trucks

If there’s something that screams “This seems excessive”, it is a truck that’s been lifted seven feet off the ground. I probably don’t get it because I travel on streets with multiple lanes, but these trucks scream obnoxiousness. They also suggest that the driver has some certain physical shortcomings (Google it!).

The only way these are acceptable is if you are a monster truck driver and it’s SUNDAY,SUNDAY,SUNDAY!!! And if kids seats are still just eight dollars. Otherwise, drive a regular size truck, needledick!

It can't be THAT hard!

It can’t be THAT hard!

56. Alcohol containers that are “easier to pour”

I actually have to credit my friend Rodger from for this one, I’m merely acknowledging it.
As Rodger said in his blog back in September, if your beer sucks, putting something fancy in it to make it “pour better” won’t help you. I don’t drink beer anymore, but I am well aware that pouring one isn’t that difficult.

Instead of inventing new ways to pour your crappy beer,how about improving the quality of the product being poured? That’s a thought!

MileyMustache55. CATCH_ALL: Women with mustaches and their fascinations with having one and Bearded BeaniesBeardedbeanies

I don’t understand why so many women are fascinated with mustaches and also why so many want one. Over the past year, I have seen many wear fake ones and ones connected to sunglasses. Honestly ladies, you aren’t missing much. Mustaches are overrated and a lot of them look cheesy and terrible. If you really want facial hair,grow a beard or goatee.
Speaking of beards, bearded beanies need to go. If you need one of these because you lack the ability to grow enough of it for a beard, that is your cross to bear. I am losing my hair, but you don’t see me sporting a toupee now,do you? That’s because I know better.

54. The T-Mobile girl’s new image

Many people seem to like the T-Mobile girl’s new image, but I don’t. I preferred seeing her in the sundress and the pink shoes (You gotta love the ladies in sundresses,yo!) and when she decided to become Sidney Bristow from Alias (Google it!) it killed every fantasy I had of her. No,really it did.
This new version of the T-Mobile girl does nothing for me, all she does is ride a motorcycle and she doesn’t even say anything. Sometimes what isn’t broken doesn’t need to be fixed. Just sayin…

53. The name Metta World PeaceMettaWorldPeaceElbow

This has to be one of the worst name changes in sports history. The man once known as Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace. Even Chad Ochocinco thought this was bad. I knew at some point that Ochocinco would go back to his birth name, but who knows if Artest will ever go back to his.

He’s still a decent basketball player, he’s just got a name that doesn’t work for him, especially when he’s elbowing guys in the head.

kardashian52. Anything associated with the Kardashians

2012: 39 (sort of)

Our Kardashian entry last year involved their use of everything that starts with a C with a K (which is still stupid,by the way), this year it’s just about them in general.

Never have I seen a family or group of people so untalented get so much attention. The thing about it is when they first came on the scene, I didn’t think they had any staying power. I thought they would go the way of the Gastineau Girls (Google it!), but they’ve stayed and made television even shittier than it already is.

The only thing I have ever enjoyed from these people is Kris Jenner’s 30th birthday video. Not because it’s any good,but because celebrities like O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have brief cameos. Other than that, these folks need to go.

OldTrickorTreaters51. Trick or Treating over the age of 16

This is the item that inspired us to do this last again for 2013. When I was younger, we generally stopped Trick-or-Treating around 13 or 14 years old. I was 14 when I ended that and it was rare if you were older than that to be wearing a costume and begging for candy.

Now it’s become commonplace for kids 16 and up to stay in that kid zone and continue trick-or-treating.

We all want to be kids forever, but there are things we have to stop doing as we get older and trick-or-treating is one of them. Let’s let the younger kids have their time to shine.

Compact50. Compact parking spaces

As the owner of a compact car, I find these parking spaces discriminatory and uncomfortable. Why do I have to park in a smaller space in front of a tree? Not only that, how come I only have like three inches (at best) of space to get my door open?

I think the only reason these spaces exist is so parking lots can have trees in them. Other than that, they have no purpose. I usually try to park in the big boys space when I am out and about. Just because I’m in a Toyota doesn’t mean I should have to squeeze my way out of a vehicle,it’s an outrage!

WordswithFriends49. CATCH-ALL: The Words with Friends board game and the Draw Something board gameDrawSomething

It is fun to play these games with your friends over your mobile device because sometimes we can’t be there to play with them in person the real versions of these games known as Scrabble and Pictionary,respectively. So why is there a board game version of both Draw Something and Words with Friends?

Not only do they reak of irrelevance, but I fear that Zynga may get sued over these games by the makers of the aforementioned board games that both Words and Draw are based off of.

48. Wearing throwback jerseys of players that sucked

Stop this!

Stop this!

2012: 44

This made the list again because it’s still a common occurrence. People wear jerseys of players who are no loner on their teams because they were supposed to be great and ended up sucking (those are almost always known as draft busts,but this term also applies to players who signed to your team via free agency).

Not only that but a lot of these players stole money from your team essentially. They got paid a lot of money to suck, if anything you should be angry at that player and never wear their jersey again. This includes you folks who continue to rock JaMarcus Russell’s #2 in silver and black. Cut that shit out!

FlashMob47. Flash Mobs

Here’s something that we really don’t need to see.

I…I just don’t get it. Why in the world do we need these? What ever made going into a mall or any other busy place to perform Michael Jackson’s thriller? 

This used to happen at my old college and it never made lunch time any more fun or interesting. These seriously need to go! Stop doing this,America!

46. ESPN’s use of rappers to interview players

ESPN does more damage to its credibility the longer they’re on the air and using rappers who have no background in journalism whatsoever to interview athletes seems to be the network’s newest next step backwards. If you’re a sportscaster in a local town looking for your next big break, doesn’t this piss you off?

When Lil Wayne is interviewing Randy Moss, it just makes you shake your head. While Moss’ answers to Lil Wayne’s questions were fine, you couldn’t even understand what the hell Lil Wayne was saying, he kept mumbling. This may be a trend that might continue, so unless my wish for this to go comes true, look for Vanilla Ice to interview Eric Decker, Eminem to interview Ed Reed and T.I. to interview Scott Fujita.

RussellWestbrook45. People who wear glasses without lenses in them

2011: 28

This missed the list last year because I thought the trend was dying and for the general public it has for the most part, but what makes it putrid is seeing NBA players who make millions of dollars wear them in press conferences. Memo to Russell Westbrook, LeBron James, and Kevin Durant among others: They don’t help you see better, knock it off!

I get that they’re trying to be cute and funny by wearing them,but it isn’t. If you want glasses that badly,do what I did, wait until your eyes get bad.

44. Beach weddingsBeachweddings

2012: 15

This made our list last year and it’s there again this year. Look, I understand why couples (mainly the bride) want to get married there. It’s a beautiful place full of great scenery. That’s cool and all, but let’s be honest and tell the real reason why the beach has been a trendy wedding locale: it’s so the bride and her bridesmaids can be barefoot. Damn, I’m smart!

If there is a saving grace for beach weddings, it’s the hilarious videos on YouTubes of them being interrupted by giant waves. Almost as funny is when high school kids taking prom photos on docks and falling through the docks.

KidsMarried43. Kids who want to get married

Why the hell am I seeing so many 16-year-olds becoming engaged on Facebook?

Kids are in such a rush to grow up these days they’ve forgotten how to enjoy the journey of life. They’re jumping straight to marriage now. Will the reception be at Chuck E. Cheese? Maybe Q-Zar? Are you registered at Toys R Us?

Kids marrying one another is like 14-year-old Jo-Jo (Google it!) singing a song about a man getting out of her life. You guys have plenty of time to worry about marriage. Don’t do it before you get your diploma!

WonkaMeme42. All political Facebook posts

I get that a lot of people are passionate about politics and really take an interest in the well being of their country. In fact,I think it’s great. I don’t however like being bombarded with status update after status update about your political views.

Even people whose views I agree with can be a little bit overkill. At first it’s fine,but after a while it’s like “OK,I get it!” and then it becomes all they ever post about and that can get rather sad at times,especially if your party isn’t the one in power, then it can make you look like you’re never happy anymore and nobody wants that.

CarEyelashes41. Eyelashes on car headlights

This is a pretty new trend I have seen on cars over the last year and I absolutely don’t like it. This is almost akin to everyone who put fake bullet holes on their cars about eight or nine years ago. If your car really got shot at, you’d have bullet holes in your body,too.

Your car is not a person and the headlights are not its eyes. Let’s pluck these out before your sense of realism goes completely in the toilet.

Part Four (Nos. 40-21) will be revealed tomorrow!


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December 2012
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