The Things That Need to Go in 2017,Part Five

things17

Our fifth part of the list is here! We’ve covered 80 items and we’re down the final 20. Part Four gave us handlebar mustaches,chips in ATM cards,and NFL Sunday Ticket being too expensive. Part Three gave us the Sacramento Kings front office, Ann Coulter,and Democratic pollsters. Part Two  gave us people with weak shoe games, dropping the ball before reaching the end zone and #foodporn. Part One gave us the Crying Jordan,toe shoes,and clapping obnoxiously at Buffalo Wild Wings.  Just as a reminder and a disclaimer to all of you: This list is intended for entertainment purposes and should be taken semi-seriously. So on we go with the list. Here’s #20!

DurantJerseyBurning20. CATCH-ALL: Fans who burn a player’s jersey the moment he leaves for another team and Fans who piss and shit on a player’s jersey the moment he leaves for another team

First year selection

This is something I’ve long been against,but this year,it’s become too much of an epidemic.

Why is it that fans do this once a player leaves their team in search of greener pastures? My belief is that they do it to be attention whores and to get views on YouTube of their act of burning their laundry.

A better thing that you could’ve done instead of burning,pissing,or shitting on that jersey is to donate it to charity so that someone else who has never been able to afford a jersey because they’re so fucking expensive can have a jersey of their own.

Destroying it so you can say “Hey,look at me,look what I’m doing to my jersey. Fuck you KD!” makes you look like more of an asshole than the player who left your team does. Maybe if your fan base didn’t have asshole fans like you, they wouldn’t have left.

nbadraftlottery219. Draft lotteries

First year selection

The very thing that was supposed to prevent tanking in the NBA and NHL isn’t working and some would argue that it ever did.

Teams are still tanking in these respective leagues and aren’t doing much to improve their teams the right way by rebuilding and trying to improve their win total. Case in point: The Philadelphia 76ers.

The 76ers are so bad and are terrible by design. They are and have been doing everything they can to be as unsuccessful as possible that winning 20 games is considered a good year (and they should hold a parade for them if they win 20 games). The draft lottery is only enabling them and teams like them to continue to suck.

Also,the Edmonton Oilers have won it four times in the time they’ve been rebuilding. I think we need to go back to the worst team getting the first pick,then the second worst getting the second pick and so on and so forth.

Image: CND for Libertine Fall/Winter 2016 - Backstage18. Furry nails

First year selection

I first saw ladies wearing these this year and was pretty surprised by it.

First of all,you guys are taking this turning yourselves into a dog or cat on Snapchat thing way too seriously. It’s bad enough you’ve placed fake pet ears on yourselves,now you want their hair on your nails?

I think the thing I’m most curious about is if someone with furry nails is on the toilet and has to wipe their ass is if they get dingleberries in their furry nails. I’m going to guess that they would.

Also,you know whose fingernails were furry? The Grinch! Don’t be like the Grinch,be like you. Get that fur off your finger ASAP!

SFRiots1417. People who vandalize property and riot after winning or losing a championship/election

Third year selection: 2015;9,2013;13

This doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to in recent years,but anytime it happens when a team wins or loses a championship (or an election),it’s embarrassing,sad,and makes your fan base (or political side of the spectrum) look bad.

I don’t mind if you’re celebrating peacefully and responsibly,but when property and people are getting hurt and people are even shot and wounded,that just makes it a sad situation that makes you and your entire fan base look bad.

As for losing an election,just because it didn’t go your way doesn’t mean that the local Dickey’s BBQ has to be set aflame. What did they do to you other than offer top quality BBQ at a reasonable price?

notextback16. People who don’t text back but are able to post on Facebook just fine

Fourth year selection: 2016,34; 2015,1;2014,8

You guys know that this is a big pet peeve of mine and as long as people continue to be this rude and discourteous, this will more than likely make the list.

Is it that hard to get back to somebody? I’ve never understood why people are in no hurry to get back to someone. When someone contacts me, I do everything I can to get back to them if the situation is warranted, but when it doesn’t happen,it bothers the shit out of me.

What’s worse is when someone who ignores my texts doesn’t get back to me,but can post on Facebook just fine. It’s kind of a slap in the face to that person and honestly,if people are doing that to you,it may be time to reevaluate the relationship you have with that person. Making time with people who make zero effort with you is never worth the trouble. Remember that going forward!

Late Night with Jimmy Fallon - Season 515. Joe Buck

Third year selection: 2016,2015;7

I almost forgot to put Joe Buck on our list this year,but fear not,he is here at the 15th spot.

It’s no secret that Buck is absolutely horrible when it comes to his play-by-play. He continues to bore me and it doesn’t matter if it’s football or baseball he’s calling,he has absolutely no enthusiasm when it comes down to his call of the game.

When he does get excited,it seems as though he’s cheering for the other team. He really isn’t,but it seems that way.

I often find myself listening to either silence or a local broadcaster when watching a game he is calling and it’s time this guy left the airwaves. Just because your dad was a legend doesn’t mean you are,too!

brockturner14. Three month prison sentences for rape

First year selection

This is another keeping it real selection and it angers the hell out of me that a college student only got three months in prison for raping somebody.

Stanford swimmer Brock Turner sexually assaulted a 22-year-old woman while she was unconscious. He was originally given a sentence of six months in county jail,but was let out in half the time.

It was argued that the sentence was to “protect his future”,but what really happened was a precedent was set for the next time this happens to someone else,especially if they’re well off and privileged as Turner is. The young lady Turner raped has to suffer through what he did to her for the rest of her life and for him to serve only three months for an adult crime that warranted much,much more of a sentence. You know,the kind of sentence that isn’t getting passed down to someone who isn’t white,rich,or privileged.

The judicial system failed that young woman big time and the judge and jury that let it happen should be ashamed of themselves.

13. Terrible umpires

First year selection

This year saw some very bad umpires and officiating,and I’m talking mainly in baseball. Don’t get me wrong,all officiating everywhere is bad,but in baseball,it’s been atrocious.

From having their own strike zones to not knowing if a player is safe or not to not knowing what interference is at second base,it’s been bad and players have been getting upset about it to the point where they and their managers have been getting ejected for excessive arguing calls that were missed.

If you’re wondering why there’s a threat to the jobs of these guys and replacing them with robots,this is why. I far from want a robot to take someone else’s job, I really do because people need jobs,not machines, but if these guys can’t agree on a strike zone or get a call right in the first place, then the cries for robot umpires are only going to get louder and I definitely don’t want that to happen.

bullssleevedjerseys12. Basketball jerseys with sleeves

Fourth year selection: 2016,6;2015:13,2014;10

When is the NBA going to get the hint that these jerseys are absolutely terrible?

Why do I hate these so much? Because basketball jerseys aren’t supposed to have sleeves. Even some of the league’s best players have come out against these being a part of their team’s uniforms.

These jerseys are so bad that it makes me think of the NBA as being less credible than it used to be. It’s bad enough that teams are going to put advertisements on their jerseys next season (including my sorry,no-account Sacramento Kings) let alone the fact that several teams wear sleeves on their jerseys.

Oh,and memo to the Chicago Bulls, your gray uniforms with the sleeves suck ass! Just letting you know now!

hillarydab11. Dabbing

First year selection

This is one of the things I wanted most on this list this year and here’s why: It’s bad luck!

From Cam Newton to the Clemson football team to the North Carolina men’s basketball team, these young men were dabbing before a championship event and it ended up costing them glory.

It doesn’t stop there, let’s look into the political landscape where California senate candidate Loretta Sanchez dabbed during a debate with her smoking hot opponent,Kamala Harris. Harris won the election in a landslide.

But the ultimate fail was with the Democratic nominee of the election,Hillary Clinton,who dabbed on The Ellen DeGeneres Show in January. We all know what happened 10 months later.

Not only is this bad luck,it’s also stupid. I didn’t think much of it last year because I didn’t think the fad would last and I thought it should’ve stayed in 2015. Wow,was I wrong,and wow am I glad it’s unlucky to do it.

Don’t dab,kids. Your life will be ruined afterwards and you’ll lose championships and elections because of it.

We’ll have Part Six tomorrow!

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