From the T.J. the Sports Geek Quarantine Center and Hockey Jersey Emporium

Top Eight Least Impressive Superpowers

8. Finding a missing contact lens on the floor

7. Ability to calm down scrambly chihuahuas

6. Power to shake the last glob of ketchup from a glass bottle

5. Can breathe clam chowder

4. Ability to get A’s tickets

3. Eating a well-done steak with ketchup

2. Ability to communicate with chow mein

1. Winning an election as a Democrat