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The Things That Need to Go in 2017,Part One


Hello Everyone and welcome to our annual list of The Things That Need to Go. This list is a collective six-part series which includes 100 items and after the list’s top item is revealed we will have a leftovers list. Part One,which you’re currently reading will consist of items 100-81. Just as a reminder and a disclaimer to all of you: This list is intended for entertainment purposes and should be taken semi-seriously. So on we go with the list. Here’s #100!

slay100. The word “slay”

First year selection

This word kinda made it’s way into the verbage amongst young teenage girls and I absolutely hate it.

“Slay,girl,slay!” Really? We’re going there?

It’s also used by guys when they describe what they would do to a woman if they had sex with her.

“I’m gonna slay that prostitute tonight!”

It’s just a lame term that shouldn’t have been used in the first place. I don’t think it’s got as much staying power as others might think it does. If it did, this would’ve made the list much,much higher than 100. You know?

chrisberman99. Chris Berman as a play-by-play guy

Second year selection: 2016,88

How many more Monday Night Football openers do we have to sit through before ESPN gets the hint that Chris Berman is an awful play-by-play guy?

Berman has his place along the founding fathers of the network,and rightfully so,and he’s an adequate studio host. But when he’s in the broadcast booth,his Bermanisms and other lame references get lost on not only the random color analyst that gets scrounged up to do this one extra Monday Night game, but also the viewer.

And stop it with calling Levi’s Stadium “The Big Bell Bottom”. Nobody will ever call it that other than you, and by the way, the nickname doesn’t make the stadium suck any less. It probably makes it suck a lot more.

anthony-weiner98. Anthony Weiner

First year selection

Here’s a guy who has problems. Major problems.

Anthony Weiner was once a former Congressman from New York who was once one of the rising stars in the Democratic Party before getting involved in sexting scandals which saw his reign in office disappear. He even tried to run for mayor of New York City in a ridiculously futile bid.

You would think when he got caught sexting other women while married and in Congress that he’d learn his lesson. But,nope,he still does that shit!

The addiction that cost him his job in Congress led to his wife separating from him this year because of it.

Dude,you need help,but more importantly,you need to go away!

97. Commercials featuring “focus groups”

First year selection

So many commercials nowadays feature all of these “focus groups” that decide which product they like they best. The ones in particular that do these is Chevrolet,where a hipster doofus will bring in a focus group to ask them which car they think won such-and-such award and then they reveal that it’s Chevy that won the award and the scripted surprises on their faces afterwards. It’s just lame and overdone.

Remember when car commercials had clips of people driving the cars,music playing,and voice overs? Yeah,me too. Let’s get those commercials back and send these commercials packing.

96. Alex Jones

First year selection

Here’s a guy who I can’t stand very much and I don’t understand why he’s so popular. This motherfucker thinks everything is a goddamn conspiracy, he’s been spewing the same shit for 20 years and none of it has come true.

The Bilderbergs,New World Order,and Barack Obama being the devil. All of it not true!

Jones reminds me of the kind of guy nobody hung out with in school because he was overly different from everyone and as a result,the motherfucker got crazier and ended up as a looney right-wing talk show host who thinks Coke and Pepsi are the same thing.

Beyond that,he was a big-time cheerleader for Donald Trump and that’s just bad news no matter how you look at it. Jones needs to disappear and leave all of us alone and check into rehab.

Slow Pulled Pork Tacos95. People who call dinner “Din-din”

First year selection

Some people are going to ask me why this is on the list,so I’ll spare them asking the question altogether. Simply put,you’re an adult. Unless you’re asking your youngster if they “ready for din-din”, don’t use it. It’s baby talk that doesn’t need to be uttered from one adult to another. What’s next,are we going to suck on our pacifiers and wear our onesies to the dinner table (more on onesies in this part of the list)?

This is part of society’s refusal to grow up right here and it’s painful to watch!

CarEyelashes94. Eyelashes on car headlights

Fourth year selection: 2015,80;2014,74;2013:41

This item didn’t make it last year on the list because this kinda trend was phasing out. It still kinda is, but anytime I see this, I cringe.

Why? Because it kinda reiterates that the owner of the car is highly likely in desperate need of companionship and the closest thing they came up with is turning their car into a person,which is clearly not.

Sure,the car has a name and is taken care of by the owner,but it is in no way,shape,or form a person. Even the cars in the movie Cars didn’t have eyelashes,why does yours need them? Time to pluck those eyelashes off your ride and meet somebody.

We may do a list of the Things That Need to Be Removed From Your Car list at some point in 2017. Stay tuned!

penny93. The penny

First year selection

This has never been on the list,but it’s here and it needs to go.

Why you ask? Well,for starters,it costs 1.7 cents to make a one-cent coin. Let me repeat that, 1.7 cents. It cost the treasury roughly $132 million per year to circulate $50 million of currency.

Also, does anyone ever have a penny when you really need it? Probably not! I feel like we’d not only save money in ceasing penny production,but also we’d save ourselves from needing pennies all the time.

Save the existing ones for when brides get married and put them in their shoes.

wedgesneakers292. Wedge sneakers

Second year selection: 2016,62

It’s our first footwear-related item of the list and this made the list last year and I’m glad it’s back. While the trend isn’t as big as it was, it’s still around and it’s ugly.

What’s the point of wearing a pair of sneakers that make you taller? Why not just wear regular sneakers that keep you at the same height and probably more comfortable?

As I said in last year’s list,you’re probably better off in heels or wedges if you want to be taller while still wearing semi-casual clothing. You’ll look more stylish and not as trashy.

We’ll talk more about shoe games in a later edition of this list.

cryingjordan91. Crying Jordan

First year selection

Yes,you read this correctly. The picture of Michael Jordan crying being used in sad memes. For some reason, I haven’t really liked the image.

I think this is overused,I think Michael Jordan’s face looks extremely chubby in the photo and I think it’s a bit disrespectful to a living legend like him to have his image used like that.

Let’s retire the image and go to something else to describe something unfortunate. Johnny Manziel on a swan,anyone?

harambe90. The phrase “Dicks out for Harambe”

First year selection

Yes,this needs to go,too.

Why you ask? Well,for one,I doubt anyone has pulled their weiner out in rememberance of a dead gorilla. Also,it’s just stupid and strange and it kinda makes you strange for expressing your interest in whipping out your wang in honor of a dead gorilla you never even knew of until the zoo killed him to save that kid.

If there’s one thing we became as a society in 2016, it’s a weird one. There are other things we became,don’t get that twisted, but this is one of them.

Harambe doesn’t want to see your penis and neither does America.

poopemoji89. Poop emojis

First year selection

Wait,what? Yes,this is on the list. Why? Because we’ve become a society that’s glorified poop.

I have never been crazy about this emoji at all. I don’t think I’ve ever used it because I kind of feel dirty about it and it’s a piece of shit with eyeballs,and everyone else uses it. All.The.Time.

I think there are other ways to express disdain than to use an emoji like this and I think it’s time we used those instead of this. Time to grow up a little.

That title below should be considered a label of shame!

That title below should be considered a label of shame!

88. Scott Baio

First year selection

Kirk Cameron was slotted here last year and this year Chachi takes his place.

In a move to somehow be relevant in 2016, Baio was,for some reason, a speaker at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

In his terrible speech, he talked about how much he loved being a Republican and how his people don’t want “free stuff” (a misguided jab at Bernie Sanders supporters) and how Donald Trump was going to “make America America again”.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Look,Charles in Charge, your show was cool when I was a kid in the 1980s and now that I know how big of an asshole you are I can no longer watch it. You’re not relevant anymore anyways, it’s time to stay hidden in TV Land until the next Happy Days reunion. Got it?

adultonesie87. Adult onesies

Third year selection: 2015;26, 2014;43

This was not on the list for ’16 and it barely made the cut this time around,but these still need to go.

For one,you’re not five. These only belong on children and children only. There are some things that we as adults shouldn’t be doing anymore once we’ve become grown-ups and wearing feety pajamas is probably at or near the top of the list.

Let’s do ourselves a favor as a functioning,mature society and leave the onesies off and leave those for the kids. Sound good? I hope so!

toeshoes86. Toe shoes

First year selection

I’m all for comfortable running shoes, I myself have a couple of really great pairs of them,but toe shoes are just plain wrong.

First of all,they’re ugly as sin. They look like shoes that you were forced to buy as the result of losing a bet. Also,they’re designed to promote running where you’re forced to run and land on your front foot when there’s no scientific evidence that this is more effective. There’s nothing wrong with running with your heel striking first.

There is,however,a lot wrong with wearing these ugly,not that effective/life changing shoes and there’s a better way to barefoot run. Go get some Nike Frees,yo!

bdubs85. People who clap obnoxiously at Buffalo Wild Wings

First year selection

This item came as a suggestion from a friend of mine while we were at a Buffalo Wild Wings a couple months ago and the Seahawks and Cardinals were playing their way to a 6-6 tie. During the game, there were people over in the bar who were clapping in the most obnoxious of ways. It would’ve been a lot more hilarious if it wasn’t so frequent and so annoying.

Look,we all enjoy going to Buffalo Wild Wings to have some good grub and enjoy some great sporting events on the various TVs that surround us, but to clap so obnoxiously that it’s just overall terrible makes the experience not as enjoyable as it should be.

Let’s not make the establishment’s slogan into Wings.Beer.Obnoxious Clapping. It doesn’t play well at all.

Schilling84. The idea of Curt Schilling running for President

First year selection

Curt Schilling is a guy who I’m glad is no longer on television.

Not only was he annoying on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball,but his political views are terrible and his threat to run for President in 2020/2024 is a terrible one. Even him running for Senate in 2018 is a laughable idea (he would lose in a landslide to Elizabeth Warren if he did). Especially after comments he’s made about comparing Muslim extremists to German Nazis and posting memes on Facebook that were anti-transgender.

Sorry,but it’s bad enough that we have a President going into office who seems far from an accepting person, we don’t need another one,and that’s Schilling.

83. The Sonic commercials with the two guys in the car

Third year selection: 2016, 78; 2015,81

Yes,this is on the list again for a third consecutive year and they’re still terrible.

These guys are still eating awful Sonic food and still having the most awkward and stupid conversations you can have with someone in a car. I think the reason they eat in the car is because they want to spare everyone else of hearing their awkward conversations only to have us watch them on national television.

By the way,Dairy Queen is a lot better than Sonic will ever be. I’ve yet to get sick from a trip to DQ. Just sayin’…

assaultweapon82. Civilians with assault weapons

Guns and shit have made the list before, trust me!

This is a Keepin’ it Real selection and I may lose friends over it,but it’s probably not going to hurt me too bad.

I’ve never understood why anyone who isn’t in the military needs an AK-47 or the like. I’m all for having something to protect yourself,but nothing that extreme. These weapons are the result of why we have so many shootings in schools, churches,and movie theaters. It’s getting ridiculous!

You know who never needed an assault rifle? MacGyver! He could make one with a piece of PVC piping and golf ball-sized rocks.

Be more like MacGyver!

snapchatdogcat81. People who put pictures of themselves with dog or cat ears on Snapchat

First year selection

This became a thing this year and it’s kinda creepy.

The act of people making themselves into dogs or cats on Snapchat makes me less and less likely to even get a Snapchat account,aside from the fact that I have a feeling that nobody would even send me a Snapchat on account that I’m almost 35.

But back to the creepiness of the dog and cat pictures, it makes everyone who does it look silly and borderline creepy. You’re a person. End of story.


We’ll have Part Two of our six-part series tomorrow!

2 replies »

  1. I got to disagree wholeheartedly with the shoes. Everyone has a different natural gait and diffeeent shoes, including toe shoes, are important for those different gaits.

    Also, I love harambe, crying Jordan, and Scott Baio. All so incredibly entertaining!

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