Entry 1034: There is help. There is hope.

All of us in life go through enormous highs and lows and even some lulls here and there, but some of us go through lows that plunge so far down that it may be hard to recover from,to the point that you may feel like you don’t want to live anymore.

Not too long ago,someone you know had those latter thoughts. In fact,you know him well.

Me.

While I didn’t have a plan cemented in place,I did have ideas of how I wanted to do it,one of which was running across Highway 50 after parking my car to jump in front of a fast moving vehicle. A scary thought to have,but an even more tragic thing to do to not just yourself,but those around you who love and care about you.help_hope

After having those thoughts,I e-mailed my therapist to set up an appointment to see her and let her know what had been happening with me. I was working seemingly all of the time in an office with a lot of people coming in to see us,many of them nice and understanding of the situation,but they were also others angry and mad at me for what has been taking place as far as all the changes that have been happening this year alone. Leaving home at 7:15 a.m. every day to arrive and not getting home until sometimes 8 p.m. at night left me exhausted, hungry,and unhappy. All I was ever doing was working and not getting to enjoy life or see friends on the weekends or even family members who live close by. Even when I was able to see friends, I was out of energy and didn’t even try to work up any.

Furthermore, I was growing very tired of hearing about everything I did wrong and never hearing about anything I did good or any reassurances whatsoever that I was doing a good job. I know it’s not a normal thing for someone to do,but sometimes some of us need to hear that in order to keep going and having a purpose. I didn’t feel like I had one anymore because of how bad I was feeling and that pain was so bad that,for a time,I didn’t want to live anymore.

That was just part of what was taking its toll on me and those who know me very well know that there’s more to the situation than just that and under different circumstances I would share that side of it,but that’s another tale for another time.

I was also feeling like my life was going nowhere while everyone else was having great successes and achieving all the things I was hoping to have done by now. It seemed like everyone was getting married or having children or doing something great in life while I was stuck in neutral. My social life was getting pretty stagnant as well and as much as I hate to admit it, seeing a few close friends move away was something that hurt quite a bit.

After seeing my doctor and talking with her on Jun. 14, I was placed on medical leave that began on Jun. 18 to undergo treatment for severe depression in an intensive outpatient program (IOP),which is a treatment service and support program where me and a group of others met for three hours a day,four days a week doing various activities and having different discussions about specific topics. I would also meet with the psychiatrist to discuss my progress and my case manager who talked to me frequently about how I was doing and what I wanted to achieve while I was in treatment. Everyone that was involved with the program,from the fellow patients that were in group with me to the doctors and therapists,were nothing short of wonderful and I was very lucky to be placed in a program such as this because it gave me a renewed sense of purpose and reminded me that things are only going to get better.

What I wanted,most of all when I went into treatment, was to give myself a goal that I wanted to achieve now. Not in the future down the road,but in the moment,and being in this program really helped that. That mission,in addition to feeling better, is to find a healthier and more accepting work environment that’s close to home. That’s what I want to do most of all right now and my goal isn’t going to be met until that happens. The other goals I have are going to come one at a time as time continues.

One thing I do know,and those of you who are reading this don’t need to worry about, is that I do not have any ideas to end my life or any plans to. There is a lot left to live for and a lot left I would love to accomplish.

Am I all the way better? No. Am I a lot better than I was almost a month ago? Yes,absolutely. I have a lifetime to manage this and a lot of work to do to get to even where I halfway want to be. In fact,now more than ever,is the time for me to try and turn things around and get back to paving the path I want to travel down in terms of success, happiness,and growth as a person. Things are already looking up!

One thing I realized when going through treatment was that I really wasn’t alone in how I was feeling,and if you’re not doing so good and are feeling as bad or worse than I was,neither are you. There is help,there is hope,there is a way to get better. I encourage anyone who feels they need to seek help for whatever they’re going through to simply do it. If it feels impossible,find someone who you can trust to help you find that way,whether it’s a close friend,a family member or even your doctor. They can help shine a light, especially in the darkest of times.

Or you can even call a stranger via the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255),or if you’re not a big talker,there’s even a text line to the National Crisis Hotline at 741-741.

Let’s not only take care of ourselves,but one another. We’re all we have.

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