February was my birthday trip to Disneyland which I had looked forward to for a long time. It was my first trip to The Happiest Place on Earth in 22 years and was everything I had hoped it would be. Even though we were in heavy L.A. traffic for three hours on our way down, I was glad when we finally got there to enjoy the weekend. We rode everything from Soarin’ over California to Space Mountain (three times,twice in a row!) to everything in between. Not to mention the weather was absolutely gorgeous!
I also collected a lot of Disney pins and that collection grew as 2014 went on. I can’t wait to trade them when we go back in April,it’s going to be so much fun!
Sadly once we returned home from Disneyland,it became difficult to try and keep the magic going and I spiraled into a deep depression. By the time mid-March rolled around I decided to go back to therapy. I was formally diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, a condition I had long thought I had. I am currently on an SSRI and am seeing my therapist regularly and am hopeful that one day I can function socially like a normal person does. I do feel like I am making progress with my condition and I can only hope to build on that progress I have made.
I did a lot of cool things this year. I went to see the Stockton Thunder and to a San Francisco Giants game. I also went to see the Sacramento RiverCats at Raley Field. I also went out of state for only the second time in my life. I went to see my friend Kim and her new baby girl. It was a great trip,albeit a shaky and scary drive. I also found new ways to relax. I got my first ever massage and have had many more since and even did cuddle therapy (Don’t knock it until you try it!).
There are a lot of things I didn’t get to do this year, but luckily there is still time to do those things. I also haven’t been the most motivated person like I wanted to be this year and that resulted in so much that I didn’t get to do. There’s a lot of emptiness in my life and so much unfinished business that I want to change that.
But I can’t do what I’ve been continuing to do hoping that things will be different. I’m raising the bar and in so many ways. In how I want to be treated as a person, with goals I have set for the future, and where I want to go with my life. I’m too good of a person to settle for being content with how things are now. The bar’s been raised,it’s time to get serious about how I am living and what I am doing. I hope that by having better expectations I can have the sort of happiness I’ve long dreamt of.
I’m tired of being the guy who wishes that things will get better someday. I’m tired of being the guy that friends or family don’t want to do anything with. Being the guy that nobody thinks enough of to contact out of the blue to ask what they’re up to is something I’m longer wanting to be. I’m tired of falling short of my dreams,goals,and wishes while everyone else makes it look so easy. I’m tired of being not good enough to other people. I want more and I deserve better. The bar’s been raised, things have to and will change.