Welcome,friends and enemies and even you lovers out there. Here is the list you’ve all been waiting for, the Things That Need to Go in 2o13 list. In 2011 it was 30 items long. In 2012 it was 75 items long. We’re at a cool 100 this year. I want to thank all of the people who came up with suggestions for the list,some of yours actually made it. Without further adieu, let’s begin Part One of our six part series…
100. The Wave
This is something people do at sporting events that I have begun to loathe.
The Wave is just played out,folks. Everyone always forces you to do it for god knows what and I never want to. I just want to watch the game and be happy,not be a part of some wave that doesn’t really mean anything,you know?
99. Shutter Shades
I still don’t know why people wear these. Why would anyone who has the ability to see wear glasses they can’t see out of? C’Mon Now!
I thought by now these would be gone from the world forever, but no, they from time to time rear their ugly head still and I am very unsure why that is. Some things just carryover from one era to the next sometimes in an unnecessary fashion and that’s probably why this is so very low on the list.
98. Icing the kicker
I hate when coaches do this in football and I wish it would go away. This isn’t as effective as it used to be when it became a trendy thing for coaches to do about five years ago. At first it was neat, now I just want the game to end and I don’t like when coaches prolong it anymore by making the other team’s kicker wait to make a field goal that, most of the time, he is going to make.
If you don’t want the other team’s kicker to be in the position to kick a game winning field goal, your team should probably do a better job stopping their offense. Just sayin…
97. Obnoxiously large tattoos
Though I don’t have any myself,I’m not against people getting tattoos. I’m just against people getting large ones that cover like most,if not,all of the side of their torsoes. Is that really necessary? Are you a person or are you selling your body for ad space?
I think if you get a tattoo you should think long and hard about it. It’s clear to me that the folks with the unnecessarily large ones on the sides of their bodies didn’t do that. But that is their cross to bear,not mine.
96. People who have yet to get over Spygate
I have a rager for this one because it seems like everybody brings this up to me way too much: Spygate. This happened five years ago,folks. LET IT GO!!!
If this was such a big god damn deal back then, the NFL would have taken Lombardi trophies away from the Patriots and ordered all banners taken down from Gillette Stadium from those years. They didn’t because the Spygate infraction didn’t happen in those years and has no bearing on how they won those championships. It was during one game in the 2007 season.
So to all the haters out there, get the hell over it. Your team still sucks!
95. Fanny packs
Though I haven’t seen these come back from the 1980s myself, a friend of mine has and I’m baffled as to why. Fanny packs look awful, I don’t know why anyone in the world would wear one. I want to put this higher, but again, I haven’t seen this come back from back in the day. Maybe if I do, it will be higher next year, but #95 is the right place for it.
94. CATCH-ALL: Deion Sanders,Eli and Peyton Manning as fairies trying to get you to switch to DirecTV and Commercials featuring Peyton Manning calling audibles in a Buick
These are two commercials I despise. Why are these three former and current football players depicted as fairies? Can’t they be real people getting you to switch to DirecTV? Wouldn’t that be more believable? I think it might be. Go back to the commercials with the grandson in a dog collar,those were hilarious!
As for Peyton Manning calling audibles in a Buick, that seems unnecessary to me. Peyton’s had some entertaining commercials over the years, but this isn’t one of them. Plus, Buicks are for people in their 80s.
93. People who fake being homeless
I get that people are really suffering and do need assistance at times. But even real homeless people hate competition from people who aren’t homeless. There was one guy I saw last year who sat in front of a gas station a few times with a sign reading “Help Me Pay My Rent”. Not a very novel idea if you ask me. I’d rather give money to a guy with a sign saying how the cops have stolen his brain than to the guy who’s “close” to being evicted.
92. Bob’s Burgers
This is a terrible show. I have watched maybe two full episodes of it and have yet to laugh. Every voice (whether it’s a male or female character) is done by a guy which doesn’t promote equal opportunity employment.
Also, none of the episodes are ever centered around the making of hamburgers. FOX needs to just air footage of a fire log burning between 8:30 and 9pm on Sunday nights because no show ever survives or is any good in that timeslot.
91. MLB trades that happen after July 31
I hate that some trades happen after the trade deadline. Like the Dodgers trade with the Red Sox that saw then acquire $250 million worth of talent that got them nowhere the NL West title let alone a trip to the World Series. Also, if trades are happening after July 31, why even have a trade deadline? It doesn’t make sense!
90. Medium cheddar
Cheese is no doubt one of my favorite foods. I like just about any kind of cheese,though I have my favorites. Sharp Cheddar is one of them. I absolutely love the taste of it,especially when we have tacos here at the house. But medium cheddar doesn’t have any flavor for me at all. It’s absolutely bland and unfulfilling.
Either make cheddar sharp or don’t make it at all. All cheddar should be sharp.
89. Insane Clown Posse
I have never understood why this group is so popular with some people,even when they were somewhat relevant in 1998.
Yes,they have a cult following, but I’ve never found their music to be amusing or even any good. Not only that but with the exception of Eminem, white folks aren’t very good rappers. History has shown this time and time again and ICP is another example of history repeating itself, terribly I might add. If you don’t learn from history, chances are you are doomed to repeat it. I wish this could be higher on the list, but since these guys aren’t that relevant and were never really that cool, it sits where it does.
88. Endless remakes of movies and television shows
2012: 45, 2011: Leftovers
Hi,we’re Hollywood. We’re out of ideas! Therefore let’s re-make everything that’s already been made and do it much much worse.
I’m getting pretty sick of the entertainment industry repeating itself. In the last few years we’ve had re-makes of every 80s movie imaginable and re-makes of TV shows that were once popular in the 70s and 80s.
Doesn’t anyone out there have any new ideas for movies and TV shows? I find it hard to believe that nobody does. Somebody do something!
87. Celebrities who endorse products they don’t really use
Though I don’t see this as much, celebrities are continuing to endorse products they don’t really use. Kim Kardashian for Skechers is one example. There are celebrities that do use products they endorse,but for the most part I really don’t buy what some of these celebrities are endorsing.
I do wish Daniel Tosh would do Taco Bell commercials again,though. Those were fantastic.
86. The Wildcat offense
This is such an idiotic offensive package in football. This does not work that much in the NFL, I don’t know why teams still use this. It worked one time when Ronnie Brown dismantled the Patriots all by himself in a game in 2008,but since then it isn’t that effective. Coaches keep trying to use it need to put it to rest.
85. Schools that don’t allow Halloween costumes
When I was a kid in the late-80s and early-90s in elementary school, we got to wear Halloween costumes to school that day. It was awesome and nobody got hurt or offended by it. I don’t know why that has changed in the years since. What’s so offensive about a Halloween costume?
Being a kid must be getting less and less fun if schools are doing this. I know not all of them do,but a lot have and those schools are not fun or cool.
84. The office whore
Nobody respects the office whore. Nobody.
I don’t mean literal office whores, I mean the people you work with who have gotten ahead by kissing the boss’ ass. You know the ones. The people who haven’t been there long and get their way because they’ve schmoozed with the boss more than they probably should and then before you know it they’re almost running the place and you wonder why you don’t get anywhere.
Don’t those people piss you off?
83. The question “Did (insert team here) win it or did (insert team here) lose it?”
I have hated this question for a long while now and it needs to stop being asked.
If a team loses, it’s because the network or commentators on that network wanted the team that didn’t win to do so so bad that they have to ask that stupid question. Yes, sometimes teams choke and lose,but more often that not, teams who win the game find a way to do so.
82. All award shows
I’m not a fan of these award shows at all. The ceremonies are way too long, it is almost always never that entertaining and quite frankly a waste of my time and valuable air time for better entertainment.
The Grammys aren’t even about the awards themselves, it’s just a four hour concert with a few awards spliced in. As for the Oscars, they never nominate comedies for anything. Why not have a separate category for those movies?
As for the MTV Video Music Awards, they are irrelevant to me because that station hasn’t played a music video since I last had hair on my head. Oh,and spoiler alert, Kanye West will jump on stage and bitch about why he didn’t win again.
This has yet again made the list, but a lot lower than last year. I don’t smoke pot and never will because I’m not a loser. Also, this is not a holiday. You cannot make a holiday out of something you do every day. It’s asinine.
The origins for 4/20 are absolutely insane and not relevant. It’s probably time for most of you stoners to get a life if this is the biggest thing you have to look forward to. And please,for the love of God, stop taking forever in the drive-thru late at night. Nobody is that hungry ever.
Part Two (No.s 80-61) comes tomorrow!
I love it!! There are a few, however, that I have no idea what they are. But if they are on your list they must have to go. Thanks Travis.
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!! you are super witty this year my friend!! 😀
Thanks! I can’t wait to do the ’14 list.