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The Things That Need to Go in 2011, Part One

This is a list put together by me and a few of my friends, whittled down from over 110 things, it’s a list of the 30 things that I think need to go in 2011.Without further adieu, let’s start the list:

30. CATCH-ALL: People Who Wear Socks with Flip-Flops and Men Who Wear Flip Flops

We’ve arrived at the first catch-all on our list and these two things just seem wrong to me. I don’t think any guy should wear flip flops; it just doesn’t seem right and looks odd. It’s kind of like seeing Michael Jordan on the Wizards, it’s unnatural. Get some soccer sandals, fellas!

As for people who wear socks with them, I have to ask it: Who does that? It just looks weird, at least put on some toe socks when you’re wearing them, or just wear them without socks, what’s wrong with that?

29. 2012 Theorists

I am getting sick of these people who are so bored with themselves that they think the world is going to end in 2012. I have news for you: No, it won’t. In fact, you people were the same ones that failed to convince a 17-year-old version of me that the world would end in 2000. Y2K was a myth and so is the world ending in 2012 theory.

If you people want to world to end, that’s fine, but I myself  have a lot of living left to do, so stand  back and let me be on my way.

28. Glasses with Zero Lenses

Why do people do this? I keep seeing people with glasses on that have exactly zero lenses in them. They either take old pairs of sunglasses or the 3-D glasses they used to see the movie they foolishly spent $20 to see and pop the lenses out and wear them fashionably.

I don’t understand the appeal of that, what’s so cool about wearing something so useless? These glasses do nothing to help you see, they don’t look cool, they serve no actual purpose whatsoever.

I pray to God that this trend ends this year, or else I’m gonna come up to you and break your useless frames.

27 Jerry Springer

I’ll admit, my friends and I got a kick out of watching this show once upon a time because the guests fought and it was funny and stuff. Now, it’s just silly and stupid.

At least in some form when they would fight, it was still a talk show. Now it’s just an hour long boxing match where two 400-pound women kick their high heels off and go at it. It’s insanely stupid; Jerry Springer should be ashamed of himself. Not to mention his former security guard, Steve Wilkos has a show now and it’s pretty terrible, too.

Springer, Wilkos, and Maury are all bad examples of what a talk show is. The proper name for that genre should be talk circus freak show.

26.CATCH-ALL: Viva Viagra and Cialis Commercials

I am so sick of these Viva Viagra and Cialis commercials. They are so idiotic and untrue, especially the Cialis commercials where the Cialis is working, but the couple ends up sitting in separate tubs on a beach.

How many couples do you know that do that when they’re horny? Name one!

You wanna make these commercials more realistic? Show them doing it, and then you’ve got me. Don’t show horny people in separate bathtubs. What is this, the 1950’s?

25. Kids on Leashes

“Go get your leash; it’s time to go to preschool!”

Putting a child on a leash as if they are dogs seems very wrong and unethical to me. I understand that little kids are hyper and rambunctious, I really do, but treating them like a Saint Bernard isn’t going to make your child behave any better or any worse. When I was a child in the ‘80s, we didn’t have leashes, you know what we did? We held Mom or Dad’s hand. Whatever happened to that?

Or a better idea is to keep an eye on your damn kid. If you can’t do that, then don’t have one. If I am ever a parent, I will not even think about putting a leash on my child. It’s inhumane and embarrassing for both you and the child. Mark Summers thinks that’s wrong.

24. People Who Do The Macarena 15 Years Later

I really wish this was much higher on this list, and maybe it should be, but alas, people who do the stupid Macarena 15 years after the horrible song’s release is on the list as at 24.

Look, the Macarena was bad when it came out in 1996. I hated the song then, I hate it now. Why are people still not only listening to the song, but doing the shitty dance that comes with it? The nineties have ended, find another song!

And it’s bad enough people do this dance in commercials for the Snuggie (which we’ll get to in Part Two) and it just feels like people will not let this song or it’s horrible dance die. Ever.

If it ever does die, I will buy a steak for the person who killed it. Be my guest!

23. White Girls with Dreadlocks

Do you remember that song on Sesame Street that went “One of these things just doesn’t belong…”? That’s exactly what dreadlocks are on white girls. I know this didn’t even come close to catching on when Crystal Bowersox went on American Idol earlier this year (and by the way, thank goodness) but nevertheless, I hated the look completely.

If I dated a girl and she decided she’d get some dreadlocks, I might reconsider the relationship. I’m not saying this kind of thing should belong to a single race, it just doesn’t look right. On white people, dreadlocks look a little white trash. This shouldn’t be on the list, but I hate it so much that it is and it’s at number 23.

22. Pop Singers Who Wear Dresses Made of Meat

This entry isn’t so much about Lady GaGa as a singer, but rather Lady GaGa as a weirdo. We had somebody like her in the 1980s, her name was Madonna, and even she wasn’t this weird.

Why does Lady GaGa keep doing all the things she does? Why would anyone wear a dress made out of meat? And more importantly, why wasn’t a pack of timberwolves chasing after her in that dress made of meat?

Is there something I’m missing about her, or am I just out of my demographic? Someone please help!

21. Uggs

A trend that I thought would be dead my now, Uggs, are still hideously on the feet of girls (mainly white ones) every single winter in every single place and I am just getting sick of it. There’s a reason they’re called Uggs, they’re ugly. These shoes came from Australia and even they don’t like them, I guess that’s why Americans wear them because people in America will buy anything they think is cool. I was even shocked to learn that people have paid upwards of $150 for these. Good lord!

In addition to their ugliness, girls make them even uglier during the fall by wearing them with shorts. I can’t tell you how turned off I have been looking at girls walking from parking their car a half a mile away from ARC’s campus (illegally) down  Myrtle Avenue in their shorts and their Uggs. They do nothing for me and I don’t care how warm they make your feet, even comfort can look hideous!

20. CATCH_ALL: Skinny Jeans on Guys and Brand New Ripped Jeans

I don’t understand why any guy would want to wear skinny jeans. For the ladies, I am okay with it, but for guys, I don’t get it. I know a lot of gay guys wear them, but why would you fellas want to wear jeans that hurt your junk so bad? Who does that? Who has time?

As for people who buy brand new ripped jeans, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would any of you spend an ungodly amount of money to wear jeans with holes in them? You do know that you can get a pair of jeans with none in them and makes your own holes in them for free, right? Well, now that you aware of that fact, I hope you take my advice and I hope you save money by doing just that. You can thank me later!

19. Misspelled Song Titles

From California Gurls to Tik Tok, the music industry has had a habit of not using Spell Check when titling their songs. I know it’s kind of a fringe thing to put on this list, and it might not have made it if I wasn’t so anal about people and their constant habit of spelling words wrong.

It’s bad enough that people don’t take the time to spell words right, it’s even worse when they spell words wrong deliberately as I covered back in October. One of the easiest thing to do ever is spell. People try to tell me it doesn’t matter and they’re extremely wrong.

I think Katy Perry, Ke$ha, and many others need to take a spelling test corrected by me as soon as they read this list.

18. Bumper Stickers

This is something I used to not mind back in the day, but now I can’t stand. I don’t understand why people continue to desecrate their cars and lower the value of them even more by putting these 4×12 advertisements on how they feel about Barack Obama on their car.

First of all, nobody cares. Second of all, I really don’t think you’re going to get people to change their minds on something because of a bumper sticker. If you ever have, shame on you for lowering your standards for listening to a sticker.

It’s not just political bumper stickers I hate, it’s all of them. From the stickers that say F$%& you to the awful bumper stickers bragging about their honor students (And by the way, I get good grades, too. But I let my grades do the talking) to the stupid stick figure family window decal. Also, it’s a road hazard. I’ll hang up and drive if you remove the sticker from your bumper.

17. CATCH-ALL: People Who Don’t Take Care of Their Feet and the Barefoot Movement

OK, I get tired of seeing people who don’t take good care of their feet. I’m talking about folks who think shoes are just a sometimes thing. Shoes are necessary in virtually every aspect of life and they matter. I get sick of seeing people with their dirty feet walking into the grocery store and thinking it’s acceptable. It isn’t. In fact, in some stores it is not allowed. When I worked at Walgreens, if someone walked in without shoes on, I would ask them to please put on some shoes because it was against store policy to be in our store sans shoes.

As for the barefoot movement, it just seems wrong. It’s not just women who participate, men do as well. In fact, this semester as I left class at 1145, there was this kid who was dressed with a shirt and tie on but was not wearing shoes. It’s just weird. I don’t understand why anyone would shun something as important as shoes. It’s all about the shoes.

16. People Who Aren’t Over Michael Jackson’s Death

OK, I get it, you miss Mike. I do, too. He was a great entertainer. But he has been dead for over a year now. I am tired of hearing his songs on the radio every ten minutes. I am tired of seeing European prisoners (or people in the ARC cafeteria) performing the Thriller dance. It’s almost like this sort of thing was in his will. It reminds me of when the movie Titanic came out in the 1990s. People were obsessed with that film for a good two years and it made me ill. I was at a gas station one time in early ’99 and saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said “The Ship Sank: Get over it!” The same came be said about Michael Jackson.

Here’s Part Two: The Things That Need to Go in 2011, Part Two













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December 2010
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