Hi,I’m T.J., I’m 33 years old,I’m 5-9, 215 pounds (give or take),I am no hair and brown eyes and for virtually my entire life,I’ve done something most of you haven’t. I’ve stayed single,and the longer it goes on,the more it breaks my heart.
There are many reasons I haven’t been in a real relationship with anybody and I can list them for days,but I think the main reason this has happened is because of my anxiety and my shyness. Now I know a lot of people who know me and know me well are probably going to scoff at the idea that I’m shy,but if they knew how I’m feeling as I write this to you right now, I’m absolutely just scared to death right now.
Scared because I’ve rarely discussed this side of myself, scared because of how people will react to what I’m writing about,and honestly,scared of how differently people will think of me once they’ve read this. But it is true,I’m very shy,in fact probably one of the most shy people you’ll ever come across in your lifetime.
When I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder in Mar. of 2014, my therapist and I discussed how I knew that the anxiety for me would be over,and I stated “When I wake up one morning next to the love of my life and smile!”. That part is far from easy for people like me. It’s probably no big deal for you and I wish I could be so lucky to say that.
In the past when I’ve really been interested in a girl, I’ve been very nervous around them and that level of nervousness is just too strong to even think about pushing through. However, I’ve been through it at times where the conversation I’m having with a girl is going wonderfully well,but inside,I’m just a mess. I feel like “This,in no way,should be happening here.”, it’s like I’m in trouble with myself or something.
Shyness doesn’t just melt away overnight and it doesn’t open its doors to just anyone. Sometimes I like it that way,I do. I feel that the right people get into your life because you can trust them and they’re loyal to you no matter what. But there are other times where when that door gets held open for a girl you care about and want in your life,but she isn’t coming in. She’s not even close to the door. That door doesn’t get opened for a while after that. You get scared that history will repeat itself if you try again and end up with the same result.
I truly thought that one day I would get over this,that suddenly this problem would go away on its own and that would be the end of it and I could finally find a girl to be with. That has yet to happen, I don’t know how to make it happen and I absolutely know nothing on the subject matter of relationships and being in love or being able to love someone. I feel like if something were to happen for me in the love department,it would’ve and probably should’ve by know. There’s even a part of me who wonders if this is just a cruel joke that powers beyond my control are playing on me.It even makes me wonder if shy people even have a chance at love being the way they are.
So much is unknown for me and until I can figure out what to do about this,things will probably be this way. I look at other couples who have found that love and have found that happiness with one another and I wonder what it is that I’m missing to where I,too,can feel that same way and if one day it will change for the better. I know a few people who are rooting for that to happen for me,and while that support is loved and very much welcome, I’m still hard-nosed to think or know if it will,or maybe they know something that I don’t.
So,the question at the top must be asked again, do shy people even have a shot? It’s possible. I like to think that the king of wishful thinking in me still hold out hope that there’s a girl out there that can not only bring out the best me but that I can do the same for her. I very much wish for that,it may even be my biggest wish at this stage in my life. I won’t know until it happens,well,if it does.